Tuesday 31 July 2007

It's official....

.... I AM a neurotic tortoise owner!

The vet said the tortoises are fine, although Lola's tail is beginning to curve round like a male's!

Ooops! Thank god for that Kinks song, I think I can get away without changing her name!

Some people...

... are so bleeding ignorant!

I went to the hospital for a blood test yesterday, and saw 2 hood rats arranging their chav calender via their mobiles, whilst sitting by a MASSIVE sign which said, "do not use your mobile phones in the hospital."

Obviously I didn't "ahem" and point to the sign, as I was too scared of getting scarred by their gold sovereign rings

Sunday 29 July 2007

Reasons not to have a pet!

I don't know why I get so soppy over animals!

Yesterday, I spent half the day clearing up tortoise poo (6 of them), which they seemed to have stored up over a few days, and the other half trying to entertain a cat, which I couldn't let out as he had to go to a grooming parlour!

And how noisy was he when he was in the car? Not a stressed miaowing, more like a "WTF have you put ME, yes, that's ME, in this cage for?" irritated one!

Having charmed all the ladies at the parlour, I left him, only to get a phone call 15 minutes later asking me to go and pick him up as they hadn't been able to finish him. Apparently he was "getting stressed", ie was trying to scratch the hell out of them!

Still he looked much better than he did before he went in there, and smelt very nice and girly too (bet he didn't like that!). Anyway, when we got home, and I let him out, it was like "run, Forest, run".

I didn't see him again til this morning, when he turned up wet, dishevelled, and covered in oil! Well, that was definitely not the best £15 I've ever spent!

Saturday 28 July 2007

Do you think...

... that we should introduce the same kind of "exercise regime" in our prisons, that they appear to have in the Philippines?

Some might say its cruel&unusual, and violates human rights, while others will think it looks like a fun place to be!

Friday 27 July 2007

Shush....! Don't tell the cat!

Well, apologies for not blogging for a couple of days, but I've actually had a social life. I know you'll find that VERY hard to believe, but its true... so there!

Now, I'm going to briefly mention this, so you can all get your p-taking out of the way.... I've booked Stalker Cat into a grooming parlour, after speaking to my neighbour about his poo-ey bum (the cat's bum, that is). It's tomorrow, but I very much doubt I'll be able to get him over there, as I have no clue how to catch him, or entice him into my house at exactly the right time. So for christ sake, no-one tell him!

Just so they don't feel left out, I've also booked a vet's consultation next week for my babies.... I'm still a bit worried about how tiny Lola is... and I just know he's going to say that Reggie is a girl, and Lola is a boy!

Anyways, am off out AGAIN.... crikey, I don't know how much of this I can take, I'm not as young as I used to be!

Tuesday 24 July 2007

My little porker, part 2

Lazychops Lola absolutely REFUSED to get out of her bed to eat today! Instead I had to move the lettuce near to her, so she could eat without moving!

It would appear that I am spoiling her!

Commuting, part 605

Here's a simple commuting equation:

driver's carriage + leak + electrics = 8 carriages reduced to 4 = not a happy journey for moi!

A very sweet old man, dressed in waterproofs, with a cup of tea in one of those Thermal Cups, sat next to me on the train this morning. He made me feel all sort of "aw, cute grandad"

After a while, as I started to snooze, I started to get flashbacks to the caravan holidays I endured as a child {Note: not that there's anything wrong with caravan holidays, but on a slow-blog day, remind me to tell you about some of our exciting caravan adventures} These "flashbacks" started to freak me out a bit, and I couldn't work out why I was having them.

Eventually I realised, it was the waterproofs... they had a faint "not quite dried out" aroma... not in a bad way, but one that obviously triggered some remote memory of putting not-quite-dry waterproofs on, so I could trek across the campsite to go to the "Site toilet" - {one of dad's STRICT rules was that the caravan toilet could only be used for number 1's at night-time, although apparently he was exempt from this rule, as he emptied it!}

In addition to this, there were 2 bints sitting in my carriage that insisted on talking "shop" at 6.06 in the bleeding morning, for 34.2 minutes. How blooming inconsiderate is that? They need to get a life!!!!!

Aw nooooooooooo!

A For Sale sign has gone up next door. That means Stalker Cat is moving.

I feel a little bit sad now!

On the bright side, I don't have to hoover every day, and no more gunky-eye clean-up sessions!

Monday 23 July 2007

One of my fave dinners...

I had Bangers and Mash tonight - love it !

And YES, it can still taste good when you use veggie bangers!

Manic Monday

{Sorry Cuttsy, hope you weren't looking to use that for one of your song-title blog entries!}

We had a "proper" fire drill today - no warnings or anything! Took us all by surprise, and then peeved us right off when we saw the weather! Luckily there was a break in the clouds, and we didn't get wet! Also, thank gawd for the change in location.... when we were at the Docklands, we had to walk down 30 flights of stairs, but now it's only 4 (I can even manage the walk up afterwards now).

I laughed out loud on the train this evening. I was reading this naff magazine that someone had given me about "fate and fortunes". It had a letters page, and one of the letters was from someone who lived in Southend-on-Sea. It read something along the lines of "I've recently met up with my ex, who I still have feelings for. Do you think we're going to get back together again? I've sent you a picture of my trainers, as I go running a lot." WTF??? Makes you proud to be a seasider!

Thanks to all of you who did the Crush Calculator, and don't worry, your secrets are safe with me... Mwahahahahahaaaaaaaa! Naughty people, you know who you are!

Sunday 22 July 2007

My little porker

Nanny grew some nice vegetation for my little babies. They couldn't climb up their log bridge/ ramp quick enough - they loved it, so "thank you, nanny".


The problem was, one of them ate too much, and got stuck climbing out of her water bowl! Silly thing!

Thank Fek For...

... a friend telling me about the new Dulux paint invention-ey thing that goes on pink, but dries white. For the first time EVER my ceiling looks as though it has been COMPLETELY painted, rather than looking all patchy. [well, I say completely, but I've only done the hall bit, and not the lounge part]

My arms are killing me now, so I've given up on doing anything else for the rest of the day... so thank gawd for my big bruv lending me The X-files, season 1 boxset!

By the way, got the duvet back from the dry cleaners - there is STILL a bright orange stain on it from the Lucozade spillage. It bleeding cost £14 to dry clean too - I should've just paid the extra and got a brand new duvet! Grrrr

Anyway, Fox is waiting for me.....

Bit of fun...

The Crush Calculator

How annoying!

I did some more "glossing" last night, in my slow-progression decorating project.

Imagine how annoying it is to go and "view" your artwork to see it ruined where you've slapped on too much paint in one spot, and it's run! So now I've got to sand a bit of it down again, and re-gloss! That's just going to set me back even further!!!

Grrrr!

Saturday 21 July 2007

Don't miss me tooooooo much!

Something has come up, meaning that it's unlikely that I'll be able to post a blog for the next few days!

Now, where's that Harry Potter book......

Thursday 19 July 2007

It's official then!

I am apparently a "dodgy looking citizen".

The sniffer dogs were at Fenchurch Street station yesterday, and despite the fact that I was walking into the station with buddies, the nice dog handler singled me out for a good sniff! From the dog, that is.

Of course, being from Essex, I completely mis-read the situation, and put on a stoopid voice saying "helloooo youuuu, who's a pur-widdy boy den?", oh and then I turned round and gave the dog a pat, so he didn't feel left out!

;o)

Wednesday 18 July 2007

I'm still Coke (zero) free...

.... but they've only gone and brought out a new Coke flavour!

Grrrr, why couldn't I have known this last month before I gave it up? I'm trying to ensure I don't "fall off the wagon" by telling myself it's probably disgusting and just brown Fanta!

Just in case you didn't realise, I'm a bit irritable at the moment! That's because (having no microwave at the moment) I had to oven cook my dinner, which isn't really a problem, but I was STARVING! So having to wait an extra hour didn't help. I then shovelled in my first mouthful of food, and burnt my tongue!!!! It's sore now, and has got that sandpaper-y texture!

I should have just had a bowl of cereals!

Monday 16 July 2007

The iPod ....

.... is such a great invention, but also an absolute pain!

I spent ages sorting out all the cd's that I wanted to put onto my ipod, and then spent even longer loading them onto my iTunes library. Annoyingly, most of the cd's just read the track listing (ie Track 1), rather than song title, so I had to sit and type all the bleeding song titles onto iTunes. Then I had to wait about 7 hours while all the darn songs transferred onto the blessed thing!

Eventually I realised that because I'd loaded every single track from each cd, that I was spending half my train journey fast forwarding through all the "b-side" equivalents, til I got to the songs I liked. So out of about 3000 tracks, I was actually only listening to about 750!

For the last couple of weeks, in between sitting on my arse, and running round after R&L/ Stalker Cat, I've been deleting a load of tracks that I don't like, and then uploading other tracks that I do like! So, please read and learn..... if you decide you want an ipod, only bother loading your "greatest hits" cds, or else you will start to lose the will to live, like I have!

Sunday 15 July 2007

Happy Daze!

One of my beloved buddies came round this afternoon, for a good gossip. Afterwards, she gave me a Reiki session.... I haven't felt this relaxed for ages!

Ah, alternative therapies! Simply the best.

So now I know...

Well, I took the advice of Mr Miggins (not the one that is also known as David Tennant, the other one!), and boy am I glad I did!

The reason that you do the skirting boards before the walls, is that when you remove the masking tape after finishing glossing, half the paint work from the walls comes off!

I would have been well peeved if I'd done the walls first, and then that happened!!!!

Saturday 14 July 2007

The Big Smoke

I met my lovely sister-in-law after work yesterday (didn't realise how close she works to me)!

We then went to a very nice pub in (get this!) Knightrider Street, called The Centre Page, where we caught up with one of my big bruv's buddies, before the "birthday boy" arrived. I did have a bit of a chuckle when I saw a picture of "The Hoff" behind the bar!

There was a bit of a tense moment when I had to navigate the spiral staircase down to the loos, because I just don't understand the etiquette on these types of stairs - who has the right of way, and who's meant to go on the narrow bit?

We ended up in a very nice Thai restaurant afterwards - yum yum! And then we went our separate ways so I could go and catch the Vomit Comet on the way home! Thankfully not too much vomit, although a load of pissheads were on it!

Bumped into an old work buddy, so I sat with him and had a good gossip before falling into my customary commuting snooze! 5 minutes later, I was nursing a incredibly painful elbow. My buddy thought it would be very funny to quickly move the side of his finger up and down between my lips! I jumped... about 10 foot in the air and bashed my elbow against the wall! Much to his amusement! After that I was too paranoid to go to sleep, so we ended up playing mobile phone mini golf! And Hardy Ha, I thrashed the pants of him! Poetic Justice, if you ask me!

Reason why it's important to pay attention to detail!

I thought I'd screwed the bottle top of my Lucozade really tightly!

Apparently I didn't!

Now I have a bright orange stain on my duvet cover, duvet, fitted sheet and my mattress!

:o(

Any ideas for how to get rid of the stain on the mattress will be greatly appreciated!

Wednesday 11 July 2007

Back to work today :o(

Had a lovely couple of days off with my buddy, and the weather was great too!

My poor pal wasn't feeling too good though, so fell asleep on one of my couches on Monday afternoon. I was pretty shattered too, but was sensible enough to go upstairs and lie down on my nice comfortable bed for a siesta! An hour or so later, I went back downstairs to see how my friend was. She was covered in white fur!!! Apparently, Stalker Cat had sneaked in through the patio doors (again) and climbed on top of her so he could have a snooze too! He is a little shite!

Luckily (unlike myself) she's a MAJOR cat lover!!! Still we got our own back, and cleaned/ groomed him! Again, remind me why I'm doing this???

Shame I had to go back to work today! But, at least I've only got 2 more days until the weekend! Wooo Hoooo!

p.s. am still loving Brian, but really like Liam now too!

Sunday 8 July 2007

My lovely door!

I don't want to give the impression that my house, and everything in it, is falling to bits, but, a few weeks ago I had to get a new front door fitted, as the old one was knackered, and only someone with special "heroes/ jedi" powers could lock it properly [that's me, by the way]!

As per usual, there was a bit of a "saga" with this... I was let down by one company several times (Thermoshield), and ended up going to a company called Dalmatian (totally recommend - family firm, unbelievably cheap but good quality doors).

I bought the house 10 years ago, when it was a "reposession" property, and had been vacant for over a year. It needed a lot of work doing to it, as the previous owners had ripped out some of the fixtures/ fittings etc. Also, one of the owners was a bit of a DIY fanatic, but not a very good one.... and is kind of responsible for the problems I had trying to get a new front door!

Anyway, the security firm came this week, and attached the alarm fittings to the new door, so it's all done now! Well, sort of, because now I have to decorate, as some of the paintwork is chipped etc, as you'd expect.

So I've sugar soaped, and am already to put off the painting til I can be arsed! Which will probably be about the same time as I finish the tortoise pen!

But out of interest, what order am I meant to paint in? Is it ceiling, woodwork, walls? Or ceiling walls, woodwork? And any volunteers? Nope? Didn't think so!

Saturday 7 July 2007

My poor microwave

Last weekend, I managed to crack the door on my microwave. It was a complete freak accident, I just pressed the door release button, and the door flung open and hit the wall, cracking it slightly.

I was telling my parents about it later in the day, and my mum did a Major guilt trip on me, about how I should now get rid of the microwave, as I was risking the lives of "little R & L", as they might now get radiation poisoning... notice how R&L got a mention, but not a scooby about moi!

Obviously there was not an ulterior motive, and it was a mere co-incidence that they had a load of junk that needed taking down the dump!

As I don't really use the microwave much, I decided not to rush into getting another one!

So, how come when you hardly ever use something, as soon as you get rid of it, you want to use it every day? And of course, if I rush out tomorrow and buy another one, I probably won't want to use it for a month!!!

Congratulations me!

It's been a WHOLE week since I had a can of coke! Blimey - certainly didn't think I'd last this long!!!!

Unfortunately, the withdrawal symptoms have been so bad, that I've done fek all housework all week! NB - that's the official reason, real reason is that I'm a lazy bint!

So now I'm ashamed of the state my house is in, and panicking because I have to get it clean for my buddy, by tomorrow.

Of course, when you have to do something, you can never find the motivation! Everything started well, and I was on hands and knees cleaning the bedroom of the little 'uns (R & L) earlier on. Then Stalker Cat decided it would be really funny to keep walking past me while I was doing this, and slapping my face with his tail! Not amusing in the slightest! Talk about demanding! Anyway, stopped doing that, and have lost momentum now!

And it doesn't help that the computer is in their bedroom - another distraction! And that the sun is actually shining, making me want to go and sit out in it! Also, I have to dog-sit today, as my mum and dad have gone to Hampton Court Flower show!

Oh well, will force myself to move onto the second room now......

Thursday 5 July 2007

good day

Wa-hey - got a couple of days off next week. One of my bestest buddies is coming down to stay for a few days, and I haven't seen her for 10 months! Really looking forward to it.

And DHL have written an apology letter, and offered me £50 compensation. Blimey!

Wednesday 4 July 2007

I'm tired!

Haven't had any Coke since Saturday... am beginning to get a bit irritable now though!

However, this may be due to the fact that I had an "aisle" seat on the way home, and was sat next to a couple who insisted on fekking talking the WHOLE journey, and only got off 2 stops before me. Meaning I couldn't snooze!

Also got home to find a dead bird on my patio! Seeing as cats seem to multiply in my garden now, I have no idea which one I should be thanking!

Monday 2 July 2007

Day 2 coke free zone

After all this time, I finally have a favourite in Big Brother!

For the last couple of weeks, I've not been able to get into it - too many people in the house for me to keep up with - so I've been relying on Mrs Robbo to let me know what's going on!

Anyway, I've managed to watch a few segments now, and although the twins with their psychopathic/ telepathic abilities have come a close 2nd, my absolute current fave is Brian!

How confused did he look when he found out that women actually poo?? And the way he screamed at Charley and Billy when they were shouting, made me think "awwww my little soldier's all grown up now". Not to mention the "Shakespeare couldn't have written Babe:Pig in the City as it was far too good"

Oh how I adore him now!

p.s. no coke for two days!

Sunday 1 July 2007

Chez Ruthie

It would appear that Stalker Cat has been telling all his cat mates about me! Today I have seen 2 different cats lying down on my patio!

I feel I may turn into the old spinister, known by the locals as "the cat lady" who eventually has no contact with humans, just her trusty feline friends.

But on the bright side, I didn't have any Coke today!